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Present Ghost

Telling stories

Without direction, or malice

Before the smoke had cleared, the rich were offering millions, and the critics were writing about what else should be done with their grossly expendable wealth.

The first I read argued that if people weren’t more upset about racially motivated arson cases, then they were #problematic. Since then, I’ve browsed headlines falling in the category of shifting focus about mourning the effects of the blaze. They examine the “deafening silence” of those who weep for Notre Dame but say nothing of desecrated sacred spaces for indigenous people, the lamentable state of the Catholic Church and its inability to keep its clergy from sexually assaulting people, and all the ways Jesus would’ve spent money on people instead of monuments.

Medievalists, historians, and architects wrote the second type of article rebuking the mourners, warning people that these churches weren’t meant to last, and because Notre Dame is one of the most well-documented structures, we can rebuild it. Don’t cry. We can fix it.

Continue reading “Without direction, or malice”

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Fixing things

Long abandoned dresses for $2 dollars hang in front of the store windows. The fading garments, now curtains, all passed out of style before I left grade school; one Liz Claiborne denim shirtwaist caught my attention. My mother wore something like it in the early 90s, and it might be in again. For the price, it wouldn’t be much of a gamble, and the size seemed about right. But I left it there, next to a dozen or so grimy stuffed animals gathered on table above golf cleats. I’m not sure if they were for sale or on guard. No price tags were visible. Continue reading “Fixing things”

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Halitosis

My dad had the worst breath, and even though it was bad, I still liked being close enough to smell it. The scent of stale, overcooked office coffee he drank, cup after cup, until his teeth were stained saturated his mouth. They were yellow on the outside, and grey from fillings inside. He hated his teeth, because although they were straight, they were small. He cared more about his appearance than you would have imagined. Once he stormed from the room when my mother told him he looked like “Baby Huey” after attempting to fix a new style into his hair with an expensive salon product. He didn’t swear at her; he looked in the mirror, took a small-toothed barber’s comb and left to return his basic and thinning crew to its normal position.

I never knew he had been attractive as a young and middle-aged man, so I didn’t know he could have been attractive as an older-middle aged man, or that his self-image could falter. Continue reading “Halitosis”

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The Elephant

The day was warm, and we drove to the zoo. It was hard to decide which animal I liked best. It could have been the zebras. Yes, I did like those black-and-white horsey things. There was an orangutan whose hair looked like Papa’s. Most of all, I like the elephant, I guess.

Before I could tell Mama, she screamed.

Papa, I couldn’t see him. Mama’s eyes were wet and her hands, red. Brushing the hair behind my ears, she said it would be OK. She had made us a strawberry cake for after supper.

I got tired.

I’m tired.

No, my boy. Stay right here, in Mama’s lap. Tell me about the animals you saw today.

The sun shone hot, bright burning glitter through the trees while Mama held me, asking if it was the monkeys, or maybe the crocodile that I liked best.

I wanted to tell her it was the elephant I liked, that I wished I could ride him. But Papa came back shaking his head.

Mama cried and told him to go to the hospital anyway.

I shivered once, and then I stopped. My name is Irvin, but now it’s not. I’ve seen elephants, but I’m not sure what more has happened since. I don’t see Mama or Papa, but the sun is still hot, and the trees the same. It’s like summer all the time, as if winter never came. I’m not lonely. I have my elephant.

 

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The Expense of Hope

My husband’s grandmother turned 92 last week, and while we sat next to each other on the couch, she rubbed the kicking baby beneath my skin.  I wanted her to feel that squirming little life, because she can’t hear or see well. After our unborn daughter rolled inside me, Louise told me she’d live to see her next great-grandchild. Because I’ve cauterized a lot of the outlets of my emotion in the last two years, I made a joke.

“You said that last time, Louise. I think I’m done having kids. You’re going to have to find something else, because we want you around.”

I’m not hopeful like I used to be. It’s embarrassing, but it takes so much faith to believe something you want, something you work and wait and pray for, will actually happen. Hope gets whitewashed as flippant wishing, but committing to waiting for the possibility of disappointment is excruciating and exhausting. Continue reading “The Expense of Hope”

When we live stories we should hate

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One of the most memorable stories in the Bible for me comes from 2 Samuel 12, when Nathan, a prophet, goes to David to tell him an important story about an unjust man.

David, appalled by this man’s wickedness, swears he will punish him. That’s when Nathan finally clues him in:

“You are the man!”

The story about the evil man is about him, and what David perceived as a report of an impersonal crime committed somewhere in his kingdom reflected reality in his home, and sins in his heart.

We can read all day about racism and white supremacy and think it distant, but if we never ask how it would be possible that God might also send us prophets to reveal that we, too, are guilty, then we miss something. We are destroying ourselves.

Continue reading “When we live stories we should hate”

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